Hey y’all,

Oh my! I have not posted in 2 whole years! TWO YEARS! My how things have changed! I just took the time to read through everyone of my old posts, and goodness my life has changed! I’m not entirely sure anyone still follows my blog, but for those who do; here is an update. I am now going to college in Oklahoma on both academic and athletic scholarship(WHOOHOO), and I have long since broken up with the boyfriend that I used to write about. I don’t think I ever mentioned my best guy friend in any previous posts, but he has been my absolute best friend for years now. Anywho, we started dating a little over a year ago and now we’re engaged. Yep, you read that right! I am engaged! We haven’t taken any pictures yet, but I suppose I could post a picture of the ring later on. He is two years older than me, and has spent the last two years in the U.S. Air Force, but now he is a freshman in college just like me. I’m majoring in biomedical science and he is majoring in electrical engineering. There, unfortunately, will not be a wedding until after we both obtain our bachelors degree. We discussed it at great lengths and decided our education, for the time being, is much more important. 

One of my previous posts continuously sticks out in my mind, the one titled ‘Fact of Life’. I was terrified of growing up then. It was something I desperately wanted to avoid, but now I have realized that really it’s not all that bad. Don’t get me wrong, being a child is great! But growing up most definitely is not the end of the world like I thought it would be. Yes, things don’t always go as planned, but you take it one day, one step at a time and you adapt. Evolve. Adapt. That’s what you have to do to get through life. It just took me a long while to actually realize that. 

So now I am living in a dorm room, trying to grow container plants with a incredibly small light source, working to keep alive a long distance engagement, and joyously keeping a 4.0 GPA. Life is great. It has its struggles, but it is a beautiful journey.

 

Carpe Diem.

Wow! Boy, has it been a long time since I’ve wrote anything on here…My life has been pretty hectic. Between track, school, boyfriend, and other such: I just havent had the time. Track season, finally, ended almost a month ago. It was one of the longest seasons I’ve had in a while and actually one of the most successful. Maybe not place-wise, but definitely time-wise, and in my mind, time matters more. I successfully completed one of my New Year’s resolutions so far, actually Ive completed the same one more than once! I have flourished with PR’s this season and I hope there are more to come this year. School…thank the sweet Lord has ended for the summer and I cant even begin to describe how happy I am. That was one of the longest school years ever! It was horrible. And to my great pleasure, I am proud to say that me and my beloved beau have made it one year, now going on a year and a month. I actually got to spend the day with him today. Days with him are some of my best.

About two weeks ago I decided to go for a run and ended up falling and splitting my knee. This incident, in the end, required two stitches and I still havent gotten in a run since then. I finally got the stitches out today though, so I plan on pounding the pavement once again tomorrow.

Wow, ha, my life is boring. Its been a long, long time since I have wrote anything and this is all I have to say…that’s disheartening. Tear.

Of course, as soon as I place a purpose to my writing…I endure ‘writers block’. Quite honestly for me, writers block is no more than just pure, elegant laziness. Yes, thats right, I am a runner and I am lazy. I am a procrastinator, and I am lazy. At least I have the audacity to admit to my guiltiness. Anyways, this writers block/just not having idea crap is really beginning to bug me. I make advances and then Im set back. I get started and then I somehow lose my motive, my drive. I lose my ideas. This, unfortunately, has happened to this blog post. So now I am just rambling on about nothing.

Today I found these beautiful beings in my flower bed. To be honest, I am extremely proud of the fact that I have grown something. It always gives me a good feeling. I take pride in being 17 years old and having a garden and a beautiful flower bed. Coming home to one blooming tulip, a few purple hyacinths, and some lovely white flowers really made my day. Especially after a nice grueling workout.

 

I have a track meet coming up on Thursday! And Spring Break next week, and the start of our 4th quarter…finally! Praise the Lord! Thursday I happen to be running the 1600m, 800m, and the 4x400m relay. No big deal, I can handle that. I just hope this stinkin’ meet doesnt get rained out like the last one. Rain has really put a damper on my mood lately. I just really want to race.

I am a writer. Which must mean that I am creative right? Ha, no. Unfortunately I am not creative. My silly English teacher has mistaken me for creative, and its killing me. I just want to write, thats it, nothing more. So anyways she has introduced me to Prezi, which is great and cool, but I dont understand it at all. It was an epic fail. I do believe I am going to go old school and make a simple powerpoint. So ha!

I really, absolutely love the weather that we have been having lately. 70s-80s is great! Although yesterdays workout absolutely sucked. Worst workout I have had in a long time. On a better point though, today and yesterday have both been pretty fantastic days. So I really cant complain about a thing. My posts have sorta been at a lower writing level for me lately. I really havent had enough time to just sit back and focus on what I am doing. Stress is getting the best of me. I really just want to run, read, and write. I am sure Ill get plenty of time for that during my upcoming spring break. Hopefully.

This new word has recently been placed into my vocab, totez. I hate the word totez, its not even a word!!! But it has squirmed its little nasty way into my wide, profitable vocabulary. Gah!

Writing on my blog is not exactly what I am supposed to be doing right now, however, I am supposed to be writing in some form. Therefore I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, right? Right! I really hate english, funny since I love to write and all. But no joke, I HATE it. Its boring and completely useless. Unfortunately, I must have it to graduate. Sadly, I am sitting in the class as we speak. We have a sub, and he doesnt really do what subs are supposed to. Subs are like babysitters, they are supposed to sit behind their little desk and do nothing. But this one, well this one sucks, he walks around and acts like hes engaging in the activity of being a teacher. Ha, jokes on him! He thinks I am explaining the roaring 20’s and how they correspond with The Great Gatsby, but I just so happen to be posting another fabulous thought onto my failing blog. So take that you awful sub! I really hate daylight savings time, I love how its daylight later into the day, but I hate the fact that I lost an hour of sleep last night. I like sleep, sleep is magnificent. And I do not like the horrible, painful thought of losing a full hour of it! Damn daylight savings! Damn Mondays! I really just want to sleep all day, but instead of in bed I would like to be out in the grass under this amazing sun that God has blessed us with today. Oh yes, that would be the life.

Oh I haven’t wrote in so long! Such a tragedy…however, my reading has had a magnificent amount of reconnecting going on. Blessed be the authors who write such great classics and novels. Tolstoy, Hemingway, Austen, Fitzgerald…oh the list could go on for days. In addition to my joyous reading, running has been playing an extremely large role in my writing absence. From practice, to team parties, new spikes and loads of excitement, oh it has all kept me away. This time I’ve been spending has been spectacular. But, there is something missing. I have someone to share it all with, yes, but what is someone to share with when they cannot be around? What does one take action upon when the loved are of such long absence? It deadens me to know there is nothing I might be able to do in order to change this ill-fated conundrum. Yes, yes indeed I love him. My heart is not in my chest, but with him it lies. However, these miles are my most tried ones yet, and this is quite possibly the longest race of my life. Racing, running, allows us to find a deeper meaning in the possibilities we all want to uncover, but in some instances these truths are better left alone. Even though we all want to toe the line, sometimes we may be in for a trial that we don’t fully understand. My downfall lies in jumping into a race in that I did not train for, one that no man could ever possibly prepare me for. Sometimes I feel as though I’m not running fast enough, as though I am walking through the miles. They go by slowly and usually unnoticed. Unfortunately, they refuse to lie quiet. Maybe he doesn’t notice my uneven gait, the way I fall back and wallow in it all. Maybe it goes unnoticed to him, and if it does, I mustn’t complain. The sheer truth is my endurance is failing me, and my physique is breaking down. I have more miles that I tend to trot though then those that I tear through out of courage. I have a plethora of pity complaints to myself, to him, to friends, and God. Is it a thought that maybe my weakness is foolishness? A thought that I might want him so bad that it weakens me, and makes me bitter to all around? Is there any true or false answer to the riddle I seem to be befuddled with? Regrettably I don’t believe there is, the only solvent to my anxiety is to place myself in the hands of more miles. Funny how more miles lessen the mileage I face, how the only solution is to go an even further distance while one grows less. I can’t help but to wonder what the half-life of this distance might be, all the same, I hope it to be small. Small, so that in one day the one I want to share it all with might not have to endure the hopelessness of absence.

Why I run? I can’t speak for anyone else, but at a certain point the experience of running surpassed in value, and by a pretty wide margin, my desire to make sense out of it. 

I don’t know why I run. I don’t know why I race. I don’t know why I compete. I don’t need to know. Because running means more to me than curiosity. It goes deeper than knowledge. I run. I compete. I move on down the line. I’m a runner. 

For us runners, the question of “why” is pretty moot. Not because it may not be interesting, or important, from a certain point of view, but because we’ve left the question of the meaning of running behind. After all the questions have been asked, and all the answers given, in spite of the disagreement on essences, physiology, rationales, training strategies, trail running, road racing, i-pod wearing, mid-foot striking, turnover cadences, arm carriages, Jack Daniels, Arthur Lydiard, 20 miles a week or 100, 5k or the 50k, whether it’s really the Miles of Trials or the Trial of Miles, after all the words have been spoken and keyboards have been pounded, meanings given and ideologies subverted… After all this, we runners bend down and tighten the laces, open the door, brace for the cold and are renewed: another godawful, glorious, and meaningless 8 miler.

 

 

(I didnt write this, but I love it.)

I shouldn’t be blogging now, as I have a plethora of homework that achingly needs to be completed.

But, I have way too much on my mind to sit at a wooden desk and drone on about Pythagorean theorem, the Great Depression, how uncertainty effects mass hysteria and mob mentality, and the fact that sickle cell anemia hinders many. I have just finished a book. Not just any book. Although, still a book. One that many have most likely read by now, so I am no more special than anyone else by reading it. But somehow, it has made me feel special. It has left me with some very uncertain mixed emotions. The book happens to be, The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green. This is a spectacular book. I found it in the young adult section and Hastings, and I disagree with its placement. I don’t believe many young adults in this day and age have the capability of reading this book and getting too much out of it. It’s quite difficult to understand. I, however, understand it quite well. At least I believe I do. I am just left with this nagging curiosity of how the author came up with this. What was his muse? It is often hard for me to see where authors get the ideas for these books, characters such as the ones in The Fault in Our Stars aren’t just made-up creatures. They were so beautiful, so finely described that there is no possible way they can’t actually be of existence.

I can’t honestly tell you that it moved me to tears, although there were many times that I felt them welling up in my eyes. I didn’t feel any pity for the characters of this book, it was sad, but pity is not something I generally show for people, fictional or not. The tears came from the beauty of the words written. I believe that any message can be beautiful, if only one uses the right words. This book, well, the message was good, but the words….oh the words were so much better. Words can not describe how much I appreciated the words used to speak the message of this book. That said, you may now call me cheesy if you wish, but do not intend to pass up the simple pleasure of stating a truth to myself and any audiences alike.

Like I said, I am stuck in mixed emotions. Mixed emotions unfortunately do not allow me to speak too much about the topic. So I am left with what I have now. Maybe I will write more when I can figure this out in my mind, maybe not. But for the precious time being, I am delightfully intrigued. Looking for something good to pass some time? Read The Fault in Our Stars. Maybe it will give you the same kind of insight as it did me.

By no means is this some silly book report. This is just my thoughts on a book that I happen to come across on Good Reads, then go on an agonizing search for in Hastings. I hope you all see this.

Welp,

Carpe Diem.

Today I realized that a small part of me is afraid of growing old. I always had this thought that the older I got, the more things would just fall into place. While part of that may be true, I’ve realized that there are so many more ‘what ifs’ about aging. I know I’m not very old…yet. But I’m getting to the point where I’m having to start making very important decisions. High school is serious when you want to make it to college, college is serious when you want to make it to med school. And from now on, every little thing I do decides where I might be 5-10 years from now. It’s huge for me. Decisions with who my real friends are, with who I can count on. Decisions about who to trust and what exactly to believe. I always thought it was all so easy, but unfortunately it’s not. It’s troubling and scary. Its frightening, and leaves me feeling uneasy. And what worries me even more, is I’m only scared by the next 5 to 10 years. I haven’t even made it as far as the rest of my life. What if I end up old and lonely? What if I age badly, and I’m crippled from all the miles? What if I end up as the old cat lady that has to wear depends and can’t recall peoples names? Life just doesn’t ever go as planned. So even if I want to have the marriage that lasts forever, with beautiful children and a nice house on the hill, it doesn’t really mean that I’m going to get it. And to be quite honest, I’m not even sure if I want all of that. Maybe I want to travel the world with someone like me? What if that happens to be what I want to do, but I don’t find anyone to do it with? Everyone in this world wants to settle down, but what about the people that don’t want too? What about those that aren’t really sure? What happens to them? I don’t know where I’m heading towards after high school, and the uncertainty of it scares me to death. Am I being irrational? Does this happen to everyone? I don’t want to be the only one to feel this way, surely out of 7 billion people, someone feels the same.

Naked running: to run with no music, no electronics, no technology.

How many of you do this? Do you think it makes any difference?